What Is Communication And How To Use It More Effectively

      Alright, so this week I want to talk about communication. I have talked about having better communication in your relationships in previous posts but how do you change the way you communicate with someone? I will be blunt right up front. It is NOT easy. The good news is that you can learn how to communicate with someone so that you both grow closer together.


Before we go into how to communicate, let’s go into what communication is. To keep it simple, communication is to share your thoughts and feelings with those around you. Here is a little diagram that I really like.

So if you want to share a thought or a feeling you send an encoded message to the other person that they then have to decode to understand what you are trying to get across. The reason that you are sending encoded messages is because we each have a certain way that we communicate. Some of us use more facial expressions while some of us could use inflection of the voice to share what we actually thought or feel. Some may wonder why this is so hard, can’t we just go off of what they say instead of trying to figure it out on our own? Not really. To break it down a bit, we communicate about 14% with Words, 35% with Tone, And 51% with Body language.  Here is a simple pie chart for those that are more visual like me.


This means that we can’t just go off of the words that someone speaks because we could very likely misunderstand them. So what about text messages/messaging apps or phone calls? Well I myself do not like texting because I do not know what they are trying to say a lot of the time. I would much rather talk to them over the phone so that I can hear if they are joking or if they are being serious. With texts or messaging apps you are only seeing what they wrote. You do not know if they mean what they say. For example if someone is having a really hard day and they are really depressed, if you text and ask them how their day went. They can text back that their day was great with a smiley emoji. But if you talk to them over the phone you might be able to hear it in their voice. The best way is to talk to them face to face. That way you can see and hear all three of the ways they are communicating with you. Video chats are alright but in my opinion they are not as good as talking to someone in person but if that is all you have because of distance or something like that I believe that would be way better than just a text. Each and every one of us has a different and unique way of encoding our thoughts and feelings when we are communicating with someone. Those that we have been around for a long time have most likely decoded the way we send our thoughts and feelings but we have to be careful that we do not jump to conclusions because we think that we know what they mean or what they would say or do.


Alright let’s get to how to effectively communicate with someone.

There are 5 secrets of effective communication.

  1. Disarming Technique- find the “Kernel of truth”- when you take a defensive stance it will look like you are taking an offensive stance. When you defend yourself you are almost always attacking the other person. This is not a technique that will only change what they think and feel but it will also change what your thoughts and feelings are.


  1. Express

    1. Thought Empathy- Repeat what they told you. Repeat back what they said so that you are expressing that you heard and listened to what they said.

    2. Feelings- Emotion labels- connect with emotions. Label the emotions that they may be feeling at the moment or when it happened.


  1. Inquiry- am I getting that right? I’d love to hear more about your feelings. Make sure that you are getting what they said right. Don’t make assumptions! Then express your desire to hear more. This lets them know that you are listening and are engaged in what they are saying and have a desire to listen to them.


  1. “I feel” statements

    1. When___Event__________

    2. I feel____Emotion________

    3. Because__Thought_______

    4. I would like__Request_____

This lets them know what you are feeling and why. Remember do not become defensive.


  1. Stroking- telling them something that you truly admire about them. It has to be authentic. It will not work unless you truly believe it. Let them know what you like about them and what they do well. This brings down their defensive walls and helps them open up to you when they feel the sincerity of what you are saying.



Alright, thanks for staying with me until the end. I truly believe that communication is one of those things that if you just work a bit at, your relationships will be so much better. If you have any questions or comments please leave a comment below and I will get back to ya!

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